Ok in lieu of all the terror threats being thrown around (September 11th is Saturday in case you forgot) I've decided to do a special post today on terror and terrorists.

Ever get confused by the Homeland Security Advisory levels? Blue, Red, Orange, Perrywinkle? Here's a handy guide courtesy of me:



Green (Low) - Terrorists are either napping or have taken a vacation to one of the countries in the Axis of Evil.

Blue (Guarded) - Terrorists may attempt to rob a convenience store or drive recklessly on the Garden State Parkway.

Yellow (Elevated) - This is normal, terrorists are roving the streets looking for cars to break into and vandalize. They may be planning to fly hang gliders illegally off of tall buildings or participate in anti-war protests.

Orange (High) - Someone at the Department of Homeland Security just woke up after having a nightmare about the attacks on the World Trade Center and hit the orange alert button. National Guard F-16s have been scrambled to menacingly sonic-boom over population centers.

Red (Severe) - Dark-skinned men were spotted either boarding an airplane or attempting to purchase a firearm at Wal-Mart. You should immediately report to a small pox vaccine center so that the government can insert a tracking microchip into your body.

Yellow and Black Stripes (Danger!) - The Russians have just misplaced another fifty kilograms of weapons grade plutonium that were part of a parade float about nuclear energy in Moscow. Citizens should break out panes of their windows with a revolver and fire wildly out at the street while yelling "Arrrrribbaaaa".
Hot Pink (Fabulous Alert) - Ninjas have kidnapped the president. If you are a bad enough dude to rescue him then you are to proceed immediately to fighting them on top of trains and moving cars.

Psychedelic Colors (Whoah Man, I Can See Time) - The terrorists have deployed chemical or biological weapons against our population. You are advised to shut yourself into your house and die. Please assist corpse recovery units by stripping naked and laying in a bathtub. For those not affected by quarantines you should immediately start rioting while troops in black gas masks watch you from the tops of tanks.

Now onto the actual attacks!

The Department of Homeland Security's system for rating the various terrorist threats isn't really all that complicated but it is of dubious value. My advice is to be prepared for those terrorist attacks that are surely coming, and I don't mean to do something retarded like duct tape your vents. Pete's got the real scoop on how to survive the onslaught of terror in the United States, and because Pete is such a caring and generous guy, he's willing to share these secrets with you.

There are essentially four categories of potential terrorist attacks, and each category can encompass a multitude of different methods for causing terror. Fortunately each of these categories has methods that will address any attack within that category. All you have do is learn how to identify an attack when it's happening, react as I have suggested, and your chances of survival will improve dramatically!

Sample Attacks: Hostage taking, truck and car bombs, suicide bombers, shooting sprees, loud colors, irreverent scuttlebutt, anti-war protests, ramming various vehicles into people/other vehicles/buildings, golems (stone, mud, or crystal), hypnotic break dancing, and Oprah's Book Club.

How to Identify Attacks: Conventional terrorist attacks are almost always preceded by someone yelling in Arabic. If you hear someone yelling in Arabic and it isn't coming from your TV or your "Learn to Scream Arabic" CD then immediately begin following the Survival Tips listed below. Just because you don't hear screaming in Arabic doesn't mean that gunfire is just someone hunting geese in the Israeli airline terminal. Sometimes the terrorists will forget to scream in Arabic or may be mute or shy, which means you need to look for other key identifying features. In the event that you did not hear screaming in Arabic you are advised to look for any of the following:

• A burning United States or Israeli flag.
• Crazy hats.
• Non-Christian facial hair.
• Oprah Winfrey.
• An unmarked truck or van with a lit fuse coming out of the back.
• Signs that profane the name of George W. Bush.

If you see one ore more of these identifying features you should immediately run.

Good luck to you all.