Some funny Fellowship of the Ring Commentary and Observations :)

Disc I

• I’m a big proponent of having the title be the final words of the narration…. Of course, this would mean that the movie would have to be titled: None Now Live Who Remember It… and that’s just not as cool as Lord of the Rings
• I love how each race reacts to the rings. The elves look at them like: “Ooo, shiney things!” the dwarves are like: “Alright! Rings rock!” and the men are like: “What the heck are these for?!”
• Just in case you missed the narration, the word MORDOR is quite prevalent on the map
• I wonder, did Isildur unsheathe his sword at the start of the march and walk with it out all the way to Mordor? I think someone’s desperate to show that they’re the boss. Although it would explain why Aragorn likes to have his own sword out all the time
• There’s Frodo and Gandalf, just yucking it up. For some reason, I giggle at the thought of Frodo leaping towards the wizard’s embrace, but missing and going right over the cart…. I’m a mean person.
• Hey! Whadaya know! My spellchecker recognizes the names “Frodo” and “Gandalf”. Bill Gates must be a fan.
• Hmm, the movie could’ve ended rather prematurely there. Bilbo: “We don’t want anymore visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations!” Gandalf: “Oh! I’m terribly sorry.” *leaves* THE END
• Bilbo must be really drunk. He stands up and gives perhaps the most staggering, incoherent speech in Middle-Earth since that one time when Celeborn was asked to dedicate a new water theme-park at the Grey Havens.
• The cameraman must be a wraith! He can see Biblo with the ring on, and follow his movements. Look out behind you, Bilbo!
• “I’m not trying to rob you! I’m trying to help you.” Spoken like a true used-car salesman. Look at these low prices! Gandalf must be crazy!
• Boo! There’s Sauron. Remember him? He’s an eye now! Who would’ve thought?! Ya know how pirates always have one eye missing? Well this pirate has lost everything *except* one eye. That’s hardcore! Sauron The Eye says: Hands off me ring, old man, yarrr!
• Frodo: “I don’t understand.” Gandalf: “Neither do I.” See? It’s just like real life. No one has a single clue as to what’s going on!
• Poor Gandalf has so much faith in Saruman. “He’ll know what to do.” Yeah, like JOIN SAURON!
• After the first door slams shut, Gandalf must have thought that the wind did it, and not because Saruman might just be wanting him to stay for tea. It takes four or five doors before Gandalf gets the picture. A little slow there, I think.
• Pippin: “He’s over there. Frodo Baggins.” Well, Frodo had a secret identity for all of FIVE MINUTES. Way to go, Pippin.
• Nazgul lose cool-points for trying to outrun the river by fleeing DOWNSTREAM.
• There were some wicked drugs in that Morgul blade. Frodo is totally trippin’. He even thinks Elrond looks like Agent Smith!
• Elrond Half-Elven is also Elrond-Hairline-Receeded. Must be his human blood.
• Once again, we are treated to a variety of looks, this time for Rivendell. Boromir’s look says: “Did I take a wrong turn?” Legolas says: “If anyone of these elves is prettier than me, I’ll tear them apart!” and Gimli says: “Well, I’m here. Whop-dee-do. Can I go home now?”
• Boromir: “This is Isildur’s heir?” and Legolas reveals himself as Aragorn’s first and foremost fanboy. “He’s heir to the throne of Gondor, human. You best RECOGNIZE!”
• Aragorn: “You have my sword” Legolas: “And you have my bow” Gimli: “And my axe” (whips out electric guitar) Sam: “And my plain hobbit sense” Pippin and Merry: “And our witty comedy” Boromir: “And my angst” Way to contribute, Boromir.

Disc II
 

• As the Fellowship travels, you can see Pippin almost bouncing as he walks. I bet he’s singing some really annoying song. “99 rings of power on the ground, 99 rings of power, pick one up, to twist and corrupt, 98 rings of power on the ground! Come on, everybody!”
• When the nine companions crest the hill in grand fashion, I always imagine Boromir tripping at the end, and causing everyone else to fall down with him… in slow motion… with the dramatic music still playing.
• Gandalf employs the most liberal use of the word “pass” I have ever encountered. According to wizards, a pass is the peak of the tallest mountain in sight. Go figure.
• Oooo, Boromir has the ring. The tension in the Fellowship is palpable. Aragorn’s ready to give Boromir a haircut he’ll never forget.
• After Legolas walks effortlessly up the snowy path, I always expect him to then snowboard down. Arrogant elves.
• Legolas: “Goblins.” No my dear Leggy, that’s an arrow. Goblins are green and not so pointy. Why are the pretty ones always so dumb...
• I love it that Gandalf bangs his staff on the ground twice, because the first time the light doesn’t turn on all the way. Magic is like technology, sometimes a good hit or two is all you need to get things working.
• Near the mine-shaft, Pippin *so* saves Merry from falling, but does Merry say thank-you? No! Then he chastises Pippin about tripping on the stairs. You’re a jerk, Merry.
• Legolas: “We must move on. We cannot linger.” The redundancy of these statements leads me to conclude that Legolas is in love with his own voice. Looking at Aragorn, I think he agrees with me.
• Gandalf: “To the bridge of Khazad-dum!” That’s the orchestra’s cue, you see?
• I don’t buy the argument that the lack of handrails in Moria is due to the Dwarves’ lower center of gravity. There were serious cuts-backs in Moria’s safety budget. I hate bureaucracies.
• Legolas will now demonstrate the newest elven innovation: Goblin-Seeking Arrows. It’s the elf-version of the cruise missile. Leggy is high-tech
• Gandalf takes a dive. Judges?... 5.9, 5.9, 5.9, 5.9, and a 3.5? I think the goblin judge is biased.
• Haldir may be incredibly heterosexual… but I’m not so sure about that elf on his right.
• When Boromir tripped, he should’ve rolled down the hill all the way to the riverbank, cursing the whole time: “Ow! D’oh! Sonofa-! Ack! Ooof!”
• One might think that Aragorn refuses the One Ring out of strength of will, but really it’s because he already has a ring on his own… and he likes his better.
• Right after Aragorn salutes the Uruk-Hai taskforce, I want him to raise his blade high and shout: BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL! Male Choir: “He-Man!”
• Only Lurtz was smart enough to bring a bow. This is why he’s the leader.
• Forget the Energizer! Boromir just keeps going (*twack*) and going (*twack*) and going (*twack*… *thump*)… never mind.
• Lurtz makes the crucial mistake of forgetting that bows are long-range weapons. Aragorn sees to it that he pays for this error.
• Sam gets 100 points for being persistent and -1000 points for nearly drowning himself.
• Instead of giving Boromir a proper burial, Aragorn thinks it’s much funnier to steal his gauntlets, hurl his corpse into the river, and let it go over the waterfall to get smashed onto the rocks below. You’re one sick man, Mr. SonofArathorn.
• Aragorn: “Frodo’s fate is no longer in our hands.” Well, the King’s thrown in the towel. We’re fast running out of heroes.
• Gimli is ecstatic about hunting orcs. This is his purpose in life.