Monday, September 01, 2003

Listening To: Tindersticks - Tiny Tears (God I love this song...)

God tonight was rough. Shit went down tonight and my heart definitely troubles me this evening. It seems like every time I do the right thing in my life I'm always the one who either ends up getting hurt, or feeling much worse off than I would be if I just had stayed out of it. Sometimes it's so easy to do the right thing, but so many times it's so hard to, yet only because of the results. It's only a week into college and my spirits are low. Yeah college is fun, but I keep on feeling like there's more to this, or there should be for me. Guess I'm just kind of sad tonight, the world can be such a great place sometimes, and others it can really just appall you.

Talked to my nephew online today for a bit. My niece's birthday on Thursday, and her party is tommorrow. I feel guilty for not being there for her, or his birthday for the 4th year in a row. I hope I can make that upto them somehow. He understands, but she's only 6 and the concept of college isn't as clear to her. Maybe one day I'll travel when I work, but I could never settle overseas or too far away. My family means so much to me, and with every passing month it's so much clearer. I left for my senior year of college and Mom was still upset the night before and that day. It's like you get into your little arguements with your parents, which are nothing compared to some of the disagreements we've had in the past. This is like the holy time of no war lol. We get along pretty well, and they still grate my nerves sometimes, but I know how much they care and that it's not right to be difficult for the sake of being so. Then one day your mother or father will say something to you, and you realize how much they really do care about you.

I had a really upsetting dream the other night. My father was dying, I don't know of what, but in that weird dream way you just know it's something horrible and there's nothing you can do to stop it, let alone delay it any. Later that day I was reminded of a conversation my brother and I had during our vacation 2 weeks ago. Dad's 64, and despite his excellent health my parents aren't getting any younger. He said something to the effect of "We're going to have to take care of Dad very soon." My sister as well shares the sentiment. I will never put my parents in any kind of home. It is against every moral I've built in my life. You don't desert your family. Very little scares me in life, but death does. Not my death, I'm not afraid of dying at all. I was when I was little. I could remember getting really upset at like 8, 9 or 10 right before the school year started thinking about it. I think I thought I was going to die like in a week or something lol. I don't fear death, but I fear who it will take from me in the coming years. It really is rough to come in at the tail end of siblings. I've known one grandparent out of four, and she passed away in 1993. I think that even definitely opened my eyes to just how powerful death is at stealing away those you love. Looking back at how old I was and what it was like to have her live with us for abour a year and a half slowly withering away. I pray no one I know ever gets cancer, and that they do find some way to stop it one day. Cancer, Alzheimers, Parkinsons, and MS are the saddest things ever to witness. I know people who have each, and it racks my heart to see them sometimes. Even my uncle Tony who had a stroke and whose mental capacity is a faint shimmer of what he once was. Faith really is an amazing thing. Everything can scream the opposite at you, and despite that you believe in a reason, in something to the contrary. Maybe it's because Chris's father passed away this past year, and Jay's mother as well. Two men I really respect for their strength during those times. Just thinking about the first Six Feet Under episode is enough to mist my eyes. One of my housemates, Lauren, her boyfriend Edward, his father also recently just passed away. It's like I don't want to think about it, but it's kind of placed in front of you repeatedly.

Saw some dogs today at the pet store. Reminded me of Buttons a little. I can't believe it's been like 5 or 6 years now since he's been god. I don't think there's a week that goes by where I don't recall some memory with him. What an awesome dog. Screw Dick's Sporting Goods for their crappy collection of baseball gloves. I was hoping to buy a new one so I could preserve my old one. The thing is like a relic now. Over 16 years I've played with that glove. BBI, Babe Ruth League, and the All-Star league. I really miss those days.

Well my head hurts way too much and today has become a day to deal with rather than live, so I'm off to bed. Hopefully no troubling dreams cuz my plate's full enough lately. God bless all of you who try to do the right thing in your lives~My heart is with you.