Thursday, September 09, 2004

Ok in lieu of all the terror threats being thrown around (September 11th is Saturday in case you forgot) I've decided to do a special post today on terror and terrorists.

Ever get confused by the Homeland Security Advisory levels? Blue, Red, Orange, Perrywinkle? Here's a handy guide courtesy of me:



Green (Low) - Terrorists are either napping or have taken a vacation to one of the countries in the Axis of Evil.

Blue (Guarded) - Terrorists may attempt to rob a convenience store or drive recklessly on the Garden State Parkway.

Yellow (Elevated) - This is normal, terrorists are roving the streets looking for cars to break into and vandalize. They may be planning to fly hang gliders illegally off of tall buildings or participate in anti-war protests.

Orange (High) - Someone at the Department of Homeland Security just woke up after having a nightmare about the attacks on the World Trade Center and hit the orange alert button. National Guard F-16s have been scrambled to menacingly sonic-boom over population centers.

Red (Severe) - Dark-skinned men were spotted either boarding an airplane or attempting to purchase a firearm at Wal-Mart. You should immediately report to a small pox vaccine center so that the government can insert a tracking microchip into your body.

Yellow and Black Stripes (Danger!) - The Russians have just misplaced another fifty kilograms of weapons grade plutonium that were part of a parade float about nuclear energy in Moscow. Citizens should break out panes of their windows with a revolver and fire wildly out at the street while yelling "Arrrrribbaaaa".
Hot Pink (Fabulous Alert) - Ninjas have kidnapped the president. If you are a bad enough dude to rescue him then you are to proceed immediately to fighting them on top of trains and moving cars.

Psychedelic Colors (Whoah Man, I Can See Time) - The terrorists have deployed chemical or biological weapons against our population. You are advised to shut yourself into your house and die. Please assist corpse recovery units by stripping naked and laying in a bathtub. For those not affected by quarantines you should immediately start rioting while troops in black gas masks watch you from the tops of tanks.

Now onto the actual attacks!

The Department of Homeland Security's system for rating the various terrorist threats isn't really all that complicated but it is of dubious value. My advice is to be prepared for those terrorist attacks that are surely coming, and I don't mean to do something retarded like duct tape your vents. Pete's got the real scoop on how to survive the onslaught of terror in the United States, and because Pete is such a caring and generous guy, he's willing to share these secrets with you.

There are essentially four categories of potential terrorist attacks, and each category can encompass a multitude of different methods for causing terror. Fortunately each of these categories has methods that will address any attack within that category. All you have do is learn how to identify an attack when it's happening, react as I have suggested, and your chances of survival will improve dramatically!

Sample Attacks: Hostage taking, truck and car bombs, suicide bombers, shooting sprees, loud colors, irreverent scuttlebutt, anti-war protests, ramming various vehicles into people/other vehicles/buildings, golems (stone, mud, or crystal), hypnotic break dancing, and Oprah's Book Club.

How to Identify Attacks: Conventional terrorist attacks are almost always preceded by someone yelling in Arabic. If you hear someone yelling in Arabic and it isn't coming from your TV or your "Learn to Scream Arabic" CD then immediately begin following the Survival Tips listed below. Just because you don't hear screaming in Arabic doesn't mean that gunfire is just someone hunting geese in the Israeli airline terminal. Sometimes the terrorists will forget to scream in Arabic or may be mute or shy, which means you need to look for other key identifying features. In the event that you did not hear screaming in Arabic you are advised to look for any of the following:

  • A burning United States or Israeli flag.
  • Crazy hats.
  • Non-Christian facial hair.
  • Oprah Winfrey.
  • An unmarked truck or van with a lit fuse coming out of the back.
  • Signs that profane the name of George W. Bush.

If you see one ore more of these identifying features you should immediately run.

Good luck to you all.

I'm excited about a documentary coming out on DVD. This documentary might be the most touching one I've ever watched before. I tend to love HBO's documentaries...whether it be Pimps Up, Hos Down (LOL), Taxi Cab Confessions, G-String Divas, America Undercover, Autopsy, etc. They're very informative and often very riveting as well. This documentary takes the cake though.

It's called My Flesh And Blood. I saw it first when I was home in May from school. It deals with the Toms, a family of special needs children and their mother Susan Tom who has her own children, and then adopted 11 others. The documentary follows exactly 1 year of their lives. (Interestingly enough Susan wanting filming no longer than 1 year, and the final scene of the documentary occurs on the last day of possible filming) Here's a brief synopsis:

Welcome to the Tom household, where conflicts, never far from the surface, can erupt at any time. Explaining her decision to establish such a large brood, Susan Tom says, "If you can raise five kids, then it's not that far to go with six, and once you get to six, after that the noise level doesn't increase, and you're cooking big anyway. From six to 12 to 13 kids is not that big of a leap."

First-time director Jonathan Karsh left his job at a local TV station to film the Tom family in suburban Fairfield, between San Francisco and Sacramento, over the course of 12 months. Acknowledging that the children's disabilities can initially seem shocking and even hard to watch, he notes, "The first time you see the family you try not to stare. Five minutes later you realize that these are just kids with an amazing amount of confidence, spirit and energy."

The Tom kids openly and naturally deal with challenges and everyday events, from holidays to hospital visits, baths to birthdays, displaying a perseverance that dispels preconceived notions about the limitations of physical challenges.

The family revolves around a kind-hearted, no-nonsense divorced single mother whose birth children left the nest years ago. Her job requires the patience of a saint and the fortitude of a marathon runner, but the rewards are immeasurable, if sometimes heartbreaking. Although Susan Tom expresses desire for a romantic relationship, her family life is so all-consuming that she has not had a date in more than 20 years. She likens the documentary, drawn from more than 160 hours of footage, to "a year of therapy."

MY FLESH AND BLOOD opens with an uproarious Halloween celebration that refutes the stereotype of disabled children as victims, and ends as the family celebrates an unlikely birthday while confronting an enormous loss. Along with Susan Tom, the documentary focuses on five of her children, including:

Joe, 15, who struggles with both cystic fibrosis, a genetic disorder that traps mucus in the lungs, and bipolar disorder. Born to a drug-addicted mother, he must confront psychological challenges and chemical imbalances, at times terrorizing his family, but at other times displaying a tenderer side.

Anthony, 19, who suffers from the painful and degenerative genetic skin disorder epidermolysis bullosa (EB). The gene that produces collagen is defective in EB patients, causing the skin to blister and fall off with the slightest touch. Despite his debilitating physical condition and constant pain, Anthony is an uncomplaining, easygoing teen who loves life and performs in school plays.

Xenia, 13, a well-adjusted, athletic, boy-crazy burst of youthful energy - despite being born without legs.

Faith, 8, who was critically burned by her birth parents in a crib fire as an infant, and is a fiercely intelligent young girl, one of the top students in her class. Despite being severely disfigured, Faith remains optimistic, observing, "When I'm older and I'm grown up, I'll look like a regular person."

Margaret, 18, who survived childhood epilepsy and is now "second-in-command" in the Tom household. Overwhelmed by her role as her siblings' caregiver, she is now at a crossroads in life, torn between responsibilities at home and the desire to get an education and move out on her own.

Needless to say this is a very big deal of a documentary. It's very touching and you wonder how one woman can deal with so much and give these children as close to a normal childhood as possible despite their circumstances.

My Flesh And Blood

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Ok so I saw Alien Vs. Predator a few weeks ago. It sucked. But this review had me laughing...hard.

"Utterly bereft of thrills, suspense or even moments of stomach-churning repulsiveness, it plods along for a disjointed 87 minutes until it finally concludes and disgorges its audiences, now unspeakably depressed that their dream film has sunk to the depths of such disappointments as "The Phantom Menace" or the last couple of "Batman" films, out into the street to wonder how it could have gone so wrong. The best thing that can be said about "Alien Vs. Predator" is that it is so instantly forgettable that it will evaporate from memory so quickly that it will seem as if it never existed so that fans can once again dream about their ideal version of the film."
Ok so we do a lot to God:

We fight wars in his name.
We kill in his name.
We make cheesey candle products in his image.
We even make cookies that we eat.
Easter-chocolate Jesuses and crosses.

But this is the worst. That's right...a cellphone tower designed as an homage to God.
You've all seen the pine tree ones probably right here in NJ or in your own respective states. Not very convincing, are they? You can tell right off that something's not right. But this one annoys me lol.

Can you hear me now Lord? Good!

Grrr. Damn consumerism with your ads, and your products...and your makeout parties.

So Labor day weekend was awesome. Friday night was a night out in New Brunswick with Amar, Jesse, and Tara. We went out to the Olive Branch for some darts, drinks, and good times. Saturday night I had them over for football and I barbequed and watched some good games, (LSU and Temple's game), and some horrible ones (Syracuse...::sigh::). Sunday was my niece Alyssa's birthday so that took up a major portion of the day. Jess met me at Doreen's and that ended up being a really fun day. Monday, Labor Day, I helped Jess move into her dorm because this morning she starts college for her Junior year. Her roomate is hilarious. Reminds me a lot of Kelly Girard from school.

So things with Jess are going amazingly well lately. It sucks that she's going back to school and our "together" time is cut by about 3/4, but oh the tragedy of life lol. I miss her already and as she said "You're not going anywhere, and I've gone nowhere." Heheh.

Yesterday was kind of sad. The first time I got a few twinges of sadness at not returning to the 'Cuse. Seeing all the students at Monmouth U moving in makes you kind of miss that excitement at the peak of "can'twaitingtogetbacktocollegeness" when you finally do move back and summer has "begun to get old." I'll get up there to visit soon enough.

I'm happy in my job though, and I'm happy in New Jersey. I'm just happy.

Now if I wasn't starting to feel sick :L
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